Hard Days, Sleepless Nights


Life has been moving on. Great things have happened! I hold up all that God has done for me as wonderful. A job, a wife, a home, a daughter, time away. However, despite all of that, life still seems worthless. Apart from God and all that He has done, worthless. All this shit that I spend my days doing, worthless! It will all fail, it will all burn. Every bit will fade away and no one will remember, apart from that which was of God.

I tell myself, I have to keep going. I have got to work. We must pay off the debt. Just a little longer, just a little harder. “We just have to keep on going” I say. But do we? Is this the right way? Should it be this hard? Should I be this sick this often? “But we are doing everything right”, I say. Then how can things be this sad. How can I feel so disconnected? Why can I never seem to get enough sleep? Tired, so tired, yet relief seems so far from me.

I hate this world, at least the way it is. All the things I used to love are crap, what is left? God, you have shown me things, things that make this world look so bad. I guess in the dark, you never notice. You could pick up a rock, and not know. You could lay down, and have no idea. You could be content eating your food, doing the things you do. In the dark, you would never know that it was a world of shit. Then the light was turned on, and the dark peels away, and how can you not be disgusted. But after so many years of only knowing the life of crap, how do you change? Where is the abundance of non crap to fill all that you leave behind?

Where are the meaningful things? Where do I go to find them? Who do I talk to, who do I seek? Who knows the things that matter? I want to meet Him, and ask Him some questions. There is only One, but He seems silent, or my ears can not hear. What has happened to my ears? Why does it seem like I am trapped in a pit?