Archive for November, 2007

Scars of Love?

Current mood:contemplative

I pull up my sleeves to take a glance at the goose bumps on my arm, inspired by the beautiful music, and I look.  I see scars, so many of them, cuts along my wrist, and look back in my mind, and see the immense pain I was in when those marks were made.  How careless was I, to take this gift of life for granted, this beautiful gift, and want to throw it all away.  How did I get to that point, how could I not see…  As tears well up in my eyes, I start to pray out loud “Lord, I am sorry, I had no idea, I didn’t know..”.  Back in those days, I had no clue who God was, or really grasped how much he loves us.  I did not see anything as a gift, but a curse.  And now I am left wondering, how could someone reach a child, and teach them, using their own limited understanding and desire as a basis, and allow them to understand and grasp how much God loves them, how much life is a gift, even in this hurtful selfish world, life and so much more, are gifts from God.  Can that really be grasped by someone so young?  I think first we would have to be able to show them who God is, give them some way to understand His character.  I think that something like this could only be done with the help of God Himself.

Then again, maybe I am looking at it wrong.  Maybe just like when a baby comes into this world, it does not know all of this, maybe the timing is not so important.  Am I trying to find a way to prevent pain in life?  How then will we ever come to the point where we question all of the important things in this life?  I am starting to look at all of these hard times in life as just growing pains, simply signs of growth as we learn life lessons.  Being brought down to the point of needing at least one good reason to live, I must say was a big turning point in my life, one that I still look back on, and thank God for.  That reason that God gave me will always stick with me, and it will stand out even brighter in the darkest times.  Isn’t that truly something worth thanking God for?

God knows what needs to be done.  He loves us so much that he is willing to single us out, and when we really need to focus on the most important things in life, he may take everything else away or out of the picture, just so that we can see, and ask the most important questions of ourselves.

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Jonathan’s Guided Direction

Current mood:contemplative

Is love a choice?  If its not, should it be?.. Shouldn’t it be?  If love is something that you just “fall into”, like a hole, something hidden that if you run across it, you will fall into it, then what does that mean?  Doesn’t that mean that you are letting your subconscious make your choices for you, some values or beliefs that have been ingrained in you as you were growing up.  And what does that mean for your relationships?  Say you keep on finding yourself attracted to people who abuse you, or use you, or any number of other things that are not good or right for your life.  Doesn’t that mean you damn well better take a hold of yourself, and figure that stuff out before you wake up one day, look back on your life and see failed relationship after relationship in your past, and realize that they were all the same person.  Maybe it is time to sit down and evaluate my inner beliefs, or what ever is inside directing me to the people I “fall for”, and make sure that everything is sound, make sure that my beliefs are based upon truth, and not some BS that I picked up somewhere when I was growing up.  If love is something that you just stumble and fall into, wouldn’t that mean you could just as simply fall out of love?  How scary is that for someone who is looking at marriage?

We are humans, we make choices.  We are not, or should not be, just debris being tossed about in a sea of other people or circumstances in this world.  We need to take the time to figure things out, so that we learn and grow, especially our core beliefs.  I don’t plan on being just a ball getting tossed about by what ever waves come my way, what would that make me?  Screw that, I am going to strive to grow, to find the direction I want to go, and with God’s help, I am going to plow through the waves of this life, like a ship with its sails set high.  With God as my guide and teacher, I will not be lost in the sea of this world or its values.

These days, I choose to love, but it is never a bad idea to take a moment and examine yourself from time to time, just to make sure you have not unknowingly fallen into some rut.  Living a life with your eyes wide open takes constant effort.

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