Posts Tagged Feelings

Just Keep in Touch

Current mood:sad

daddy I lost you, I need you so, just for you now, just keep in touch”  Words from a song I heard, by a person who could not even put his own voice to the words, he synthesized them.

Over the many years of our lives, we are hurt, but sometimes we don’t have enough background to even know what hurts and what doesn’t.  Some of the deepest hurts may just make your head caulk to the side at the time, because you know something is wrong, but you can’t really put together what it is all about.  then 10 or so years later, you are listening to a song, and it says something, something that touches you, and your body tenses up, and you resist the feeling, but you know that something is there.  Those words just touched on a sore spot, a wound from the past that can not heal without the realization that it is there.  Once you know something is going on, you can do something about it.  Touching where we are wounded causes us pain, and we burst into tears, shaking, uncontrolled, or we fight it, and resist feeling anything and become cold and hard like a rock, unhealing.  I had to ask God for help to figure out what was going on, to let me feel, if something is there, I want to heal, I want to realize the truth about what hurt me so I can act, so I can change it, and heal.  I want to be a whole person, not like a house that is full of many rooms, with their doors blocked off and boarded up, afraid to face what happened behind them.  If you live like that, each blocked off room also blocks off some of who you are, some of your feeling, some of your function, more of what makes you alive.  Room by room, I want to heal, so I can be a full whole person, who is fully alive.

I miss my Dad, I miss him really bad.  It is as if I had lost him, or maybe never had him in the first place.  I see him from time to time, but it is like there is a wall there, I know there is one on my part, but perhaps he has one put up himself.  We are not actually connecting… Well sometimes, perhaps on a deeper level then many people connect with their fathers.  But I still feel that we are both wounded and afraid of the deeper relationship that we both long for with each other.  He is afraid, so am I.  I can not say what he is afraid of, but I can say what I am afraid of.  I am afraid that on a deeper level, he does not really love me, unless there is something in it to benefit him.  I am afraid of a conditional love.  No one said one’s fears have to be based in truth, I can say that they often are not.  I might go as far as saying that anywhere there is a fear involved, you will find a lie that you believe as a truth.

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Life is Simply Complex

Current mood:anxious

First I would like to say, love is so much more than just a choice, so so much more!  It is a feeling, it is an action, it is loyalty, it is based in truth, it is working through problems with a life long determination, never giving up.  Love is so many things, and for me it is a way of life.  Though I am not perfect, and in some ways, I am a hypocrite because I am not perfect.  But I do love, and I will spend my entire life growing in love, working toward showing agape love.  I pray that God strip me of my selfishness, my arrogance, my comparisons, and my feelings of superiority, because those have no place in a life of love.  I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.  I do however plan to always learn and grow, so that I might gain footing every day.  As the world and its values push back, with God, I have faith that I can grow.

Now that I got that out of the way, which was something that has been bothering me ever since I posted my first blog touching on what love is, I feel much better.  As I move forward in my relationship with Kathy, I am learning many new things, seeing myself in many new lights, and seeing how truly human I am.  I am weak at times, I am an empty shell of a man at other times.  As I move forward in love, my flaws seem to have bright spotlight on them, and now I can see so many things that I need to work through in order to grow.  Day after day, I am reminded of how Kathy will love me no matter what I approach her with.  I am filled with confidence in who God made her to be, and how through God, nothing is impossible to resolve.  It is not always easy, but what truly good things in life are easy.

I feel like I have finally woken up after 7 years of… I don’t know what, and for the last year or 2 I have been back and growing.  Not to say my 7 years in Walla Walla were a waste, they were not, I have made many friends, and seen how the world values things.  I have lived on my own, and I have lived with people.  I have been through so many different situations, I have seen the worst in people, and then I have been able to understand it.  I have been given the gift of forgiveness and have been able to let go of so many hurts in my past, not forgetting them, but they no longer have power over me and my actions and feelings today.  Enough of this tangent, I am here now, so now what?

Now what?  It is a little late for me to be asking myself that now isn’t it…  I am moving forward.  But still I feel the need to ask myself that question on a day to day basis.  In this life there are so many things to do, so many choices, which one do I make, and what steps do I want to take to get there.  What do I want?  I want a life of love, life foundation in God, and to make people laugh.  I also want to develop the talents God has gifted me with, like art, and to explore my love for music by actually learning a musical skill.  I want to build strong friendships with the people around me, and to treat everyone with a love that resembles the love God has for us.

My to do list is growing, and time is passing by, but not without me jumping on and doing as much as I can in the time I am given, and with the ability I have been gifted with.  Maybe I should start by doing the paperwork on my desk, and clearing all of that off.

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Scars of Love?

Current mood:contemplative

I pull up my sleeves to take a glance at the goose bumps on my arm, inspired by the beautiful music, and I look.  I see scars, so many of them, cuts along my wrist, and look back in my mind, and see the immense pain I was in when those marks were made.  How careless was I, to take this gift of life for granted, this beautiful gift, and want to throw it all away.  How did I get to that point, how could I not see…  As tears well up in my eyes, I start to pray out loud “Lord, I am sorry, I had no idea, I didn’t know..”.  Back in those days, I had no clue who God was, or really grasped how much he loves us.  I did not see anything as a gift, but a curse.  And now I am left wondering, how could someone reach a child, and teach them, using their own limited understanding and desire as a basis, and allow them to understand and grasp how much God loves them, how much life is a gift, even in this hurtful selfish world, life and so much more, are gifts from God.  Can that really be grasped by someone so young?  I think first we would have to be able to show them who God is, give them some way to understand His character.  I think that something like this could only be done with the help of God Himself.

Then again, maybe I am looking at it wrong.  Maybe just like when a baby comes into this world, it does not know all of this, maybe the timing is not so important.  Am I trying to find a way to prevent pain in life?  How then will we ever come to the point where we question all of the important things in this life?  I am starting to look at all of these hard times in life as just growing pains, simply signs of growth as we learn life lessons.  Being brought down to the point of needing at least one good reason to live, I must say was a big turning point in my life, one that I still look back on, and thank God for.  That reason that God gave me will always stick with me, and it will stand out even brighter in the darkest times.  Isn’t that truly something worth thanking God for?

God knows what needs to be done.  He loves us so much that he is willing to single us out, and when we really need to focus on the most important things in life, he may take everything else away or out of the picture, just so that we can see, and ask the most important questions of ourselves.

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Shiny Happy People?

Current mood:chipper

Here is something I ran across (not going to comment on where), but it sounded good, so here it is:

“My tattered heart, it beats once again.  Even with all of the holes, the scars, the hurts from the past, life is being breathed back into me.  Its all going to be ok, step by step every day, I am being healed, growing stronger, and headed in the right direction.  Lessons learned, perspectives changed, so far to go, but I am not alone.  The future is bright, bright with the hope of all the beautiful possibilities we see.  “Everything is going to be alright, I am here for you, and you will never be alone.””

It is interesting how the writer started out talking about themselves, then it switched to “we”, and then “you”…

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Who am I to Judge

Current mood:annoyed

My thoughts during a situation this evening, I had to get them out of my head, they were distracting me:

Look at me, who am I!  Truly, who am I!  I am but a humbled mess of a man, crumpled in a pile, held oh so lovingly in God’s hands.  Look at me again and ask yourself, who am I?  How can I judge you?  Do you fear the dirt you walk on, that it might judge you?  Do not answer me with fear and anger, for my questions are out of pure innocent curiosity.  I do not point my finger in judgment of you or anyone.  I love you, why do you lash out at me?  I love you all the same…

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My Name is Jonathan!

Current mood:blank

Have you ever met someone who has a chip on their shoulder?  Someone who you can only assume has been really hurt in the past, and still has not pulled themselves together and dealt with it?  It can be hard to talk to them sometimes, ok, allot of the time.

It is strange how a normal conversation can turn on you.  Simply saying that you know how to get to some place can some how turn into an insult to the person you are talking to.  Some how that can mean that you are saying they are stupid, or that you are trying to make them feel stupid.  You are thinking to yourself, What? huh? I am saying what? trying to make you feel…. umm did I miss something?  So you take a few steps back, and explain that you did not mean in any way to say that they were stupid, or to make them feel stupid.  I guess at this point it is too late.  If they don’t really know you, that is one thing, but if they have this chip on their shoulder from their past, and that drives them to feel negative about all guys, then you are in trouble, and should duck out right then, there is no saving yourself.  Everything you say is going to get the “uh huh” or “sure you did” types of response because all of a sudden any credibility you had went out the window as she flipped the switch in her head that turned you from being Jonathan, into you are now every guy, with no credibility, everything you say is a lie, and you are an asshole.  In essence, to her you are now a collective of bullshit that she has experienced with other guys in the past, and she will treat you with equal disdain.

All of this caught me off guard, I was not expecting it, nor have I had any military training that could possibly prepare me for this attack which soon turned personal.  I now believe that I should have quickly ducked out after my apology.  Now, know this, I am human, and after something like that, I was still being patient, and trying to be as understanding as possible.  But then it got personal.  After I tried to simply exit the conversation after a quick apology, saying I had some things to do, things got interesting.  She pulled me back saying she was on the phone, and followed it up with insult.  She said “Boys can be dense sometimes”, that followed by turning it into a full on stereotype “all guys are”.  Ok, you did get that I said I am human, well as a human, that really hacked off any patience I was having with her.  Needless to say, I should have gotten out right after the insults started flying.  The rest was short, not too pleasant, I am going to leave it at that.

A keg of gunpowder, me, and a person to fan the flames (though I don’t think she meant to), does not make a good night.  Being me, it kept me up most of the night bothering me.  I just have to write it down to get it out of my head, and to maybe make sense of it.  Some times you just have to let it go, because you can not always make sense out of everything.

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Nowhere To Turn….

You know what sucks?  When you need someone to talk to and no one is around.  When you want to go out and do something, and no can go with you.  When you make friends, and they move away.  When you move away and loose touch with friends.  When you think someone is right for you, and they turn out not to be, and yet you have these lingering feelings you still have to make sense of.  When you are making good changes in your life, but it never seems to happen fast enough for you.  When you loose your way, and have to climb out of the hole you put yourself into.  Or how about having all of these things going on at the same time, how about that?

Friends are too important to let fade away.  Patience yet perseverance, in time, everything will come together.

Yeah, quite a negative post, but if you read the last sentence, you will see it is serving its purpose, which is to make me feel better.  I would like to say it was an exaggeration, but at that point in time, I was feeling a bit down after some thoughts passed through my mind, linked to some things I was reading, some things that just happened, and the fact that I am a bit tired.  So no, I did not just kill myself… in fact, shortly after writing this, I was reading it over and laughing.  Writing can really clear the mind and help correct perspective.

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Interesting Quote

Current mood:refreshed

Here is a quote I just read from my mother’s office:

“Truth is shunned when it is painful or calls for choices we don’t want to face.  But we must dare to be totally committed to truth.  Mental soundness is the continuous process of facing reality as it is, rather than how we wish it to be.  To have the courage to live life on life’s terms, illusions must be given up.  And who does that without a fight?”

It seems strange that just now at this point in my life, I would find something like that just sitting on the wall.  I am sure it applies to so many other people, but it very directly has application to my current situation.  There are things that I don’t want to hear but are true.  In my mind, I am touching on important ideas but I think my mind recoils because I don’t want things to be that way, so I ignore the truth.  I don’t want to ignore the truth anymore!  I want to hear all the things that I don’t want to know, if that makes any sense.  How can I grow when I can not see the truth?

The saying “the truth hurts” sucks, I hate it, there is so much meaning behind it and to just put it in 3 words makes it into a personal attack.  This is why when talking to friends or people in general, I explain, I make sure they understand what I am saying, the real meaning, and can relate to it in some way, and then I present the horrible few word saying that people use.

I wish people would be more honest, or maybe that’s not the word, be more open.  I have a hard time with people hiding the truth from you, it never does anyone any good.  Do not spare my feelings, mash they into a pulp, if it is the truth, that is the most important thing.  I can handle it.  The truth can hurt both ways, the person telling another person the truth, and the receiver.  But please, know that it is the best thing, be brave, tell them, although you may want to spare their feelings, do not spare them the truth, because in the end, you are keeping them from growing, from making those personal decisions that will make them a better person.  With all severe mental problems aside, telling people the truth is the best thing.

Ok, even though I just laid that out there, I can not say that is best for everyone at all times, in the end though, telling them the truth is the best thing.  And women out there, don’t count on hints, we are guys, we have thick heads, and so many of those hints go unnoticed.  We are different creatures, know and love us for this, but also keep it in mind when it comes to communication, direct is the best.  I am not encouraging guys to leave things unnoticed, or to not pay close attention, because we need to, but you can not ignore the fact that we can not catch on to everything.

I guess what I am saying is, don’t let your fears or feelings keep you from doing what is right, or from telling the truth to those close around you.  Don’t be afraid to hurt them, it is a part of learning from your mistakes.  The pain will pass with time while they make sense of what happened.  They may have questions, and even then, don’t hold back, they just want to know what they did so that they do not do it again in the future, or can make personal choices to better themselves.  Oh, and once again, this is assuming that you are dealing with someone who does not have severe mental problems.

I am done rambling and ranting for now.  I am going to go do some things for me, I need more me time to balance things out.  And people, get some sleep, things become so much more clear after a good night’s rest.

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