Posts Tagged Relationships

Beautiful Day, Beautiful Wife!

Sunny Day View From Office

This is the view from my office on a sunny day.

Yesterday was a wonderful day (2011-06-20)!  Kathy and I have been going through some hard transitions, hard choices, a lot of work, and a lot of stress, so we needed a day to play.  It started out being one of those rare sunny days, blue sky, warm wind, just beautiful.  Anyone who knows Seattle knows how rare those are.  Right now we live in Shoreline, a beautiful neighborhood with trees, near a beach, in the view of the sound, and lots of well kept yards.  From our living room area we see a full flower bed, in full bloom.  God had really blessed us with a beautiful place to live!  I do hope we can stick around for a while.



When Kathy made it home, we decided it would be best for us to get the hell out of the house!  We decided to head down to the Edmonds waterfront, the first place we started to really get to know each other, and also the place I proposed to her, well also I believe we went down there for a while on our wedding day, after our wedding if I remember correctly.  So we have some history there.


Kathy at Edmonds Waterfront

Kathy at Edmonds Waterfront

I brought my camera, the trusty little Cannon PowerShort SD600, which has served me well these many years.  It still surprises me how good of a camera it is, with very clear shots, minimal grain, and a decent resolution.  Eventually I do want to upgrade my camera, to something more than a point and shoot.  A full on digital SLR (maybe a Nikon D3100) is what I am looking forward to getting, and we are slowly saving money so I can pick one out eventually.  It will have a dual purpose.  Since Kathy is going to be starting to do freelance soon, she will need a good photography source, and I can be that source, as long as I have a high enough quality camera.  I have also wanted a chance to take some more professional shots, and many of the features I am needing for that are not possible with this point and shoot camera.  I would like to be able to even sell some photos if possible.

My Beautiful Wife Kathy

My beautiful wife, Kathy.

We picked a perfect time to head down, the lighting was wonderful and it was warm enough I could run around in just a t-shirt and sweats.  We ended up roaming from the ferry dock all the way up to the dog park at the other end.  I was stuck on the idea of checking out all the beautiful plants that were in bloom and I wanted to hang around until sunset.  Eventually we got tired of wandering around, and it was getting close to when the sun would duck behind the clouds above the mountains, so we just sat down near the water, talking, and watching the fish jump.  I was having a lot of fun with the lighting from the sunset, and pulled a few really neat shots off with my beautiful wife as my subject.


Nice Reflection Shot off of Kathy's Glasses

A nice reflection shot off of Kathy's glasses.

Today is not quite as nice, but nice enough to leave the windows open, which is a very nice change.  Baby (our cat) is going insane wanting out every door and window she sees, and constantly whining while I am trying to work.  I am looking forward to more fun in the sun this summer, maybe even some vacation time.  With the future so unknown, and unpredictable right now, it is not really something we can plan for like many people do, but God will provide, yes, even for our enjoyment.  We will see what happens, life is good, and God is great!

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Just Keep in Touch

Current mood:sad

daddy I lost you, I need you so, just for you now, just keep in touch”  Words from a song I heard, by a person who could not even put his own voice to the words, he synthesized them.

Over the many years of our lives, we are hurt, but sometimes we don’t have enough background to even know what hurts and what doesn’t.  Some of the deepest hurts may just make your head caulk to the side at the time, because you know something is wrong, but you can’t really put together what it is all about.  then 10 or so years later, you are listening to a song, and it says something, something that touches you, and your body tenses up, and you resist the feeling, but you know that something is there.  Those words just touched on a sore spot, a wound from the past that can not heal without the realization that it is there.  Once you know something is going on, you can do something about it.  Touching where we are wounded causes us pain, and we burst into tears, shaking, uncontrolled, or we fight it, and resist feeling anything and become cold and hard like a rock, unhealing.  I had to ask God for help to figure out what was going on, to let me feel, if something is there, I want to heal, I want to realize the truth about what hurt me so I can act, so I can change it, and heal.  I want to be a whole person, not like a house that is full of many rooms, with their doors blocked off and boarded up, afraid to face what happened behind them.  If you live like that, each blocked off room also blocks off some of who you are, some of your feeling, some of your function, more of what makes you alive.  Room by room, I want to heal, so I can be a full whole person, who is fully alive.

I miss my Dad, I miss him really bad.  It is as if I had lost him, or maybe never had him in the first place.  I see him from time to time, but it is like there is a wall there, I know there is one on my part, but perhaps he has one put up himself.  We are not actually connecting… Well sometimes, perhaps on a deeper level then many people connect with their fathers.  But I still feel that we are both wounded and afraid of the deeper relationship that we both long for with each other.  He is afraid, so am I.  I can not say what he is afraid of, but I can say what I am afraid of.  I am afraid that on a deeper level, he does not really love me, unless there is something in it to benefit him.  I am afraid of a conditional love.  No one said one’s fears have to be based in truth, I can say that they often are not.  I might go as far as saying that anywhere there is a fear involved, you will find a lie that you believe as a truth.

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Jonathan’s Thoughts on Ephesians

Current mood:refreshed

I am slowly working my way from the beginning of the bible to the end of the bible, and I just finished Ephesians today.  Here are some thoughts that came to mind when reading Ephesians 5 this morning:

Come to understand these ideas of your own heart guided by the Holy Spirit to see that they are good, and so that you do them out of love for God, not simply out of obedience of the rules for the rule’s sake.  Rules and guides passed on from one person to another are but empty without the understanding that the Holy Spirit gives, and just as children grow to become adults, and realize the wisdom behind the rules they were taught, we too must grow in Christ, and gain the understanding, to build our foundation on Him, with his guidance.  Each one of us, if seeking God with all our heart, mind, body, soul, and strength, will find God, and his good will, and we will be guided to do what is good and right in His eyes.  We need but ask, and we shall receive.

I must say I liked Ephesians, it was well written.  There is a lot to be said for being given time alone to think and spend time with God, even if it is in prison.

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Life is Simply Complex

Current mood:anxious

First I would like to say, love is so much more than just a choice, so so much more!  It is a feeling, it is an action, it is loyalty, it is based in truth, it is working through problems with a life long determination, never giving up.  Love is so many things, and for me it is a way of life.  Though I am not perfect, and in some ways, I am a hypocrite because I am not perfect.  But I do love, and I will spend my entire life growing in love, working toward showing agape love.  I pray that God strip me of my selfishness, my arrogance, my comparisons, and my feelings of superiority, because those have no place in a life of love.  I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.  I do however plan to always learn and grow, so that I might gain footing every day.  As the world and its values push back, with God, I have faith that I can grow.

Now that I got that out of the way, which was something that has been bothering me ever since I posted my first blog touching on what love is, I feel much better.  As I move forward in my relationship with Kathy, I am learning many new things, seeing myself in many new lights, and seeing how truly human I am.  I am weak at times, I am an empty shell of a man at other times.  As I move forward in love, my flaws seem to have bright spotlight on them, and now I can see so many things that I need to work through in order to grow.  Day after day, I am reminded of how Kathy will love me no matter what I approach her with.  I am filled with confidence in who God made her to be, and how through God, nothing is impossible to resolve.  It is not always easy, but what truly good things in life are easy.

I feel like I have finally woken up after 7 years of… I don’t know what, and for the last year or 2 I have been back and growing.  Not to say my 7 years in Walla Walla were a waste, they were not, I have made many friends, and seen how the world values things.  I have lived on my own, and I have lived with people.  I have been through so many different situations, I have seen the worst in people, and then I have been able to understand it.  I have been given the gift of forgiveness and have been able to let go of so many hurts in my past, not forgetting them, but they no longer have power over me and my actions and feelings today.  Enough of this tangent, I am here now, so now what?

Now what?  It is a little late for me to be asking myself that now isn’t it…  I am moving forward.  But still I feel the need to ask myself that question on a day to day basis.  In this life there are so many things to do, so many choices, which one do I make, and what steps do I want to take to get there.  What do I want?  I want a life of love, life foundation in God, and to make people laugh.  I also want to develop the talents God has gifted me with, like art, and to explore my love for music by actually learning a musical skill.  I want to build strong friendships with the people around me, and to treat everyone with a love that resembles the love God has for us.

My to do list is growing, and time is passing by, but not without me jumping on and doing as much as I can in the time I am given, and with the ability I have been gifted with.  Maybe I should start by doing the paperwork on my desk, and clearing all of that off.

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Jonathan’s Time off and Christmas Ramblings

Current mood:happy

Today I am sitting here, on the first day of the week I am taking off work, and I am thinking.  I am thinking about all kinds of things, so many things.  One of them is the upcoming trip I am taking with Kathy over to meet her parents in Idaho.  I wonder what her parents will think of me.  Well, what ever the case, I will love them, thats just who I am.  I am looking forward to spending this time with Kathy and her family, seeing the dynamics of her with her family.  This is going to be fun.  I should probably start to pack and get ready for the trip.

Oh yeah, I suppose this is blog worthy, I am no longer single.  Kathy has been my best friend this year for some time, and I excited to have been given the chance to get to know her.  She is a wonderful woman, and I am blessed to be able to spend time with her.  While I was new and still getting to know people in the church (Edmonds Adventist Church), I was starting to work in the back on the computer during the services, and Kathy was there helping me every step of the way.  She has a strong and growing relationship with God, which is so wonderful to see and be a part of.  I have been looking for someone who puts God as number one in their lives because I believe that with God being the center of your life, everything else just seems to fall into place.  Being that no one is perfect, I believe it is so very important that we have God in our lives, and seek to continue to grow and mature with Him, and He will continually work with us to overcome our shortcomings and help us learn the hard lessons in life that we need to learn.  I can not put into words how much God has made a difference in my life, so now I recognize how cool it is to see that in the life of someone else.

Another thing that has been on my mind this morning is my computer.  It is more and more sounding like a Hoover vacuum cleaner.  There are some fans that are showing their age by making all kinds of strange whining noises.  I opened the computer this morning to check things out and I pulled the graphics card out and the CPU fan, hoping I could find some replacements at a local computer store, but no luck.  While I was in there, I noticed something that no one really wants to see, I have 2 capacitors that have pushed fluid out the top.  I have seen this on servers before, and they still worked for years after that, but it is disconcerting to see that on my prized motherboard.  So now I am faced with a possible forced upgrade soon.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I mean, “YAY” for a faster newer computer, but darn the fact that it costs money.  God will provide what ever I need, he always has, and always will.

I have started actually trying to give gifts this Christmas.  I would love to get gifts for everyone I knew, but I am doing what I can, and keeping my eyes and ears open for some real needs, and giving where I can.  Even if it is just for a few select people, where I have seen a need, that is cool.  But one thing that I have found out is that, wrapping presents is hell!  By the time I get done with a box, I stand back and see just a mass of paper and tape.  It took me something like an hour for just 2 boxes.  I am forced to grapple with the idea that I just blow at wrapping gifts.  Yet somehow it was fun… strange.

There are so many other things for me mull over today, so I can figure out what I can fit in.  Like changing the oil in the Jeep, installing the subwoofer in the Jeep, working on the Christmas letter, working on the cruse control buttons, finish up with church computer and lights notes, play with Ableton Live, setup a business website on, work on resume, finish some books, and a letter to my grandmother.  Now I can add another task of keeping my eyes out for a good new computer to replace my old Hoover.  Oh, and I need to send a note to my bible study group to let them know I will be gone this weekend, that’s fairly important.  I know there are plenty of other things that I need to do, but one thing at a time, no worries here.  It is so nice to know and be able to rest in the fact that God has all of the truly important issues worked out already, and he is working in my life so that it may be used for good.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas time!  Travel safe, and have fun!  You are all in my prayers.  God bless.

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Bits of stuff, unworthy of their own blog

Here are a few things that did not quite make it to becoming a blog, but I wanted to toss this stuff up here all the same.  Some are conversations, others are just things I jotted down.  None of it seemed special enough to put up into its own blog.

Sometime after July 29th, when I went to the Daft Punk concert:
Yes, the concert was a blessing, that’s right, being able to go to the Daft Punk concert was blessing from God, He knows how to take care of me.  The only thing that comes to mind is that God is the DJ, mixing together all of the sound samples and notes of my life, and I got to say, I love the music!  He is taking everyone and using them in his mix.

Wed Aug 08 08:36:42 2007, just chatting with someone:
[13:08] Jonathan: I don’t get it, why am I attracted to crazy?
[13:09] Jonathan: NM, I got it…
[13:11] Jonathan: I love extremes, blistering heat, dripping humidity, blasting wind, ground-shaking thunder, blinding lightning.  Maybe I now am at the point where I realize, that stuff is cool, but that is not what I need to look for in a woman….
[13:29] Matt: it is the challenge
[13:30] Matt: or possibly, you like to fix things
[13:30] Jonathan: that could be too
[13:31] Jonathan: I like to help people, it has been my resolve since childhood, and maybe I see they need help, and I want to help, I always do
[13:32] Matt: yeah, i did the same thing with girlfriends…. get the crazies and try to help them then realize it was too much
[13:32] Matt: the problem with women is that if you attempt to fix them they wont stay fixed
[13:32] Matt: probably the same with men, but i never dated any
[13:33] Jonathan: yeah, they have to do it themselves, to what ever extent is possible
[13:33] Matt: word
[13:39] Jonathan: God’s teaching me tons of stuff, its cool
[13:40] Matt: how do you know?
[13:41] Jonathan: action and reaction, to the point of no chance of coincidence

This was just me “thinking out loud” in an email today:

My perspective is a little down cast the last day or so, but I know it is just temporary, and it will clear up.

I think God has some more teaching to do, and I have some more lessons to learn.  One of the things I am dealing with is the feeling you get when you are ripped off by a mechanic.  I hardly ever get to the point where I am filled with contempt for someone, but I think that situation really hit a sore spot, that spot where you finally get to the point where you get enough trust together, hold it out only to have it smacked out of your hands and fall to the ground shattering into a million pieces.  Maybe I am over sensitive, maybe I should have known better, or maybe I didn’t handle it right.  At what point do I take the situation into my own hands and get the mechanic to do what I paid them to do.  For all I know, they may not have had any deception in mind, maybe they really thought what they told me was the real cause of the problem.  Maybe I am just seeing it wrong.  But one thing I know, I am not built to hate, I am not meant to hold contempt for someone, and I think that is what is bothering me so much, this foreign feeling that should not be there, it is being rejected.  I think that is it, with God so strong in my life, those feelings are like poison, and my entire being is rejecting it.

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Who am I to Judge

Current mood:annoyed

My thoughts during a situation this evening, I had to get them out of my head, they were distracting me:

Look at me, who am I!  Truly, who am I!  I am but a humbled mess of a man, crumpled in a pile, held oh so lovingly in God’s hands.  Look at me again and ask yourself, who am I?  How can I judge you?  Do you fear the dirt you walk on, that it might judge you?  Do not answer me with fear and anger, for my questions are out of pure innocent curiosity.  I do not point my finger in judgment of you or anyone.  I love you, why do you lash out at me?  I love you all the same…

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Obi-Wan, You Are My Only Hope!

Current mood:annoyed

I am back in Everett, I have been here since the beginning of this year.  I have met up with old friends, many of them.  Things change, I change, a little bit here and there, over the years it adds up, maybe I am a different person.  I still love and care for people, I still love to have fun, I love to do new things, meet new people.  My values have been strengthened, my direction chosen, I now know what I want, and I know what I do not want.  And ok, maybe I grew up a little tiny bit, but not too much.  I suppose there is one very big thing that has changed, I now have a strong faith in God.  I know that may sound strange to some, it sounds great to others, and there are some that would be scared, or even angry.  Before you take that and think that I no longer do this, or I no longer eat that, try asking me first, because it might surprise you.  Let’s just say I don’t value all of these rules that man made up.  I guess what I am getting at is that in this world that some say is overpopulated, in this city of nearly 100,000, I feel a bit alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not crying myself a river, I am just a little annoyed.  Where is everyone?

Well, I have grown tired of humoring my ex-girlfriend’s alternate personality, even though it is a bit amusing.  I am going to get some reading done, I am half way through the bible, and have all but the first chapter of “Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire” to read.

Lord, you are my only hope,
everything else washes away as the sand with the waves.
The things of this world come and go like the pulsing tide.
Lord, let me be content with what you have given me,
nothing matters more than you.

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My Name is Jonathan!

Current mood:blank

Have you ever met someone who has a chip on their shoulder?  Someone who you can only assume has been really hurt in the past, and still has not pulled themselves together and dealt with it?  It can be hard to talk to them sometimes, ok, allot of the time.

It is strange how a normal conversation can turn on you.  Simply saying that you know how to get to some place can some how turn into an insult to the person you are talking to.  Some how that can mean that you are saying they are stupid, or that you are trying to make them feel stupid.  You are thinking to yourself, What? huh? I am saying what? trying to make you feel…. umm did I miss something?  So you take a few steps back, and explain that you did not mean in any way to say that they were stupid, or to make them feel stupid.  I guess at this point it is too late.  If they don’t really know you, that is one thing, but if they have this chip on their shoulder from their past, and that drives them to feel negative about all guys, then you are in trouble, and should duck out right then, there is no saving yourself.  Everything you say is going to get the “uh huh” or “sure you did” types of response because all of a sudden any credibility you had went out the window as she flipped the switch in her head that turned you from being Jonathan, into you are now every guy, with no credibility, everything you say is a lie, and you are an asshole.  In essence, to her you are now a collective of bullshit that she has experienced with other guys in the past, and she will treat you with equal disdain.

All of this caught me off guard, I was not expecting it, nor have I had any military training that could possibly prepare me for this attack which soon turned personal.  I now believe that I should have quickly ducked out after my apology.  Now, know this, I am human, and after something like that, I was still being patient, and trying to be as understanding as possible.  But then it got personal.  After I tried to simply exit the conversation after a quick apology, saying I had some things to do, things got interesting.  She pulled me back saying she was on the phone, and followed it up with insult.  She said “Boys can be dense sometimes”, that followed by turning it into a full on stereotype “all guys are”.  Ok, you did get that I said I am human, well as a human, that really hacked off any patience I was having with her.  Needless to say, I should have gotten out right after the insults started flying.  The rest was short, not too pleasant, I am going to leave it at that.

A keg of gunpowder, me, and a person to fan the flames (though I don’t think she meant to), does not make a good night.  Being me, it kept me up most of the night bothering me.  I just have to write it down to get it out of my head, and to maybe make sense of it.  Some times you just have to let it go, because you can not always make sense out of everything.

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Nowhere To Turn….

You know what sucks?  When you need someone to talk to and no one is around.  When you want to go out and do something, and no can go with you.  When you make friends, and they move away.  When you move away and loose touch with friends.  When you think someone is right for you, and they turn out not to be, and yet you have these lingering feelings you still have to make sense of.  When you are making good changes in your life, but it never seems to happen fast enough for you.  When you loose your way, and have to climb out of the hole you put yourself into.  Or how about having all of these things going on at the same time, how about that?

Friends are too important to let fade away.  Patience yet perseverance, in time, everything will come together.

Yeah, quite a negative post, but if you read the last sentence, you will see it is serving its purpose, which is to make me feel better.  I would like to say it was an exaggeration, but at that point in time, I was feeling a bit down after some thoughts passed through my mind, linked to some things I was reading, some things that just happened, and the fact that I am a bit tired.  So no, I did not just kill myself… in fact, shortly after writing this, I was reading it over and laughing.  Writing can really clear the mind and help correct perspective.

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Random Stuff, Too Tired To Be Coherent

Current mood:tired

Well, I made it back to Walla Walla in one piece.  My Jeep ran perfect, not a single problem.  I managed to get some offroading in on the way up to Seattle, I stopped by the Beverly dunes and went jumping around the bushes and sand, seeing what it could do.  I only put like 15-20 minutes in at Beverly because it was getting late.  I got up this morning at 3am, and after getting gas, I was on the road by 3:30am.  The roads were clear for the most part, but there were clumps of slow people along the way, so I made it to work by 7:40am.  I am a bit tired.

Sorry, no rants today, just a normal blog.  I am half asleep, so what can you expect really?  I will rant some other time.  I have put up enough of my feelings, points of view, and other stuff to last a while, ok, maybe not for long.

The wedding was perfect, everything was great.  I managed to visit with almost all of my friends in the area this trip.  I gained a sister-in-law, someone I have already considered to be like a sister to me.  Yesterday, I was able to wish the new married couple a safe and fun cruise up to Alaska.

Oh, yeah, through a fair amount of effort on my mother’s part, I met someone (ever so briefly) at church and lunch after the service.  From the description, she sounded like a nice person, but I had no idea what to expect.  I was impressed, she seemed really nice and as strange as it may seem to at least me, there were many things that we had in common.  I can’t say much more than that, because we did not have much of a chance to talk, but I think I might have another person that would be fun to hang out with when I come up there.  I have been looking for like minded people that would like to go out and do things that are not bar or drinking oriented for a couple months now, and though I have had little luck over here in Walla Walla, I am very pleased to know that there are actually others that are looking for the same thing.  Ahh, there is hope.

I will be moving up to the Seattle area sometime, I have been planning it for many years now.  Perhaps the time is drawing near.  Today I spoke with the Japanese professor at Whitman, and he was fairly insistent that the cost of taking the Japanese class would be more than nominal.  That got me thinking about alternatives.  I have yet to check with the WWCC to see if they teach the Japanese language, so that might be a possibility, but that may be another selling point for me to move up to the Seattle area.  I have so many of my friends up there that I have all but severed ties with by moving down here to Walla Walla.  Every time I go up and visit, I realize that I miss them, and maybe moving down here for so long has hurt me socially.  I do have a much stronger sense of who I am, and what it is like to be on my own, and so many other things, but socially, things have been hard.  I love the few friends that have stayed in Walla Walla, but I feel like a fish out of water here, and I realize it every time I head up to visit.  This is not a “the grass is always greener” type of situation, I am weighing the good and the bad of all aspects of moving up there.  I do have some things I have to finish up down here, and some things to arrange with work, but I will have that taken care of in however much time I feel is appropriate.  From time to time this feeling of being “lost without a way to go” creeps up on me, but I have a direction now (more than just moving), even though I do not know where exactly it leads, I do know who it is that leads me, and that is enough.

I almost felt a rant coming on, but the feeling was lost.  Perhaps later.

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Interesting Quote

Current mood:refreshed

Here is a quote I just read from my mother’s office:

“Truth is shunned when it is painful or calls for choices we don’t want to face.  But we must dare to be totally committed to truth.  Mental soundness is the continuous process of facing reality as it is, rather than how we wish it to be.  To have the courage to live life on life’s terms, illusions must be given up.  And who does that without a fight?”

It seems strange that just now at this point in my life, I would find something like that just sitting on the wall.  I am sure it applies to so many other people, but it very directly has application to my current situation.  There are things that I don’t want to hear but are true.  In my mind, I am touching on important ideas but I think my mind recoils because I don’t want things to be that way, so I ignore the truth.  I don’t want to ignore the truth anymore!  I want to hear all the things that I don’t want to know, if that makes any sense.  How can I grow when I can not see the truth?

The saying “the truth hurts” sucks, I hate it, there is so much meaning behind it and to just put it in 3 words makes it into a personal attack.  This is why when talking to friends or people in general, I explain, I make sure they understand what I am saying, the real meaning, and can relate to it in some way, and then I present the horrible few word saying that people use.

I wish people would be more honest, or maybe that’s not the word, be more open.  I have a hard time with people hiding the truth from you, it never does anyone any good.  Do not spare my feelings, mash they into a pulp, if it is the truth, that is the most important thing.  I can handle it.  The truth can hurt both ways, the person telling another person the truth, and the receiver.  But please, know that it is the best thing, be brave, tell them, although you may want to spare their feelings, do not spare them the truth, because in the end, you are keeping them from growing, from making those personal decisions that will make them a better person.  With all severe mental problems aside, telling people the truth is the best thing.

Ok, even though I just laid that out there, I can not say that is best for everyone at all times, in the end though, telling them the truth is the best thing.  And women out there, don’t count on hints, we are guys, we have thick heads, and so many of those hints go unnoticed.  We are different creatures, know and love us for this, but also keep it in mind when it comes to communication, direct is the best.  I am not encouraging guys to leave things unnoticed, or to not pay close attention, because we need to, but you can not ignore the fact that we can not catch on to everything.

I guess what I am saying is, don’t let your fears or feelings keep you from doing what is right, or from telling the truth to those close around you.  Don’t be afraid to hurt them, it is a part of learning from your mistakes.  The pain will pass with time while they make sense of what happened.  They may have questions, and even then, don’t hold back, they just want to know what they did so that they do not do it again in the future, or can make personal choices to better themselves.  Oh, and once again, this is assuming that you are dealing with someone who does not have severe mental problems.

I am done rambling and ranting for now.  I am going to go do some things for me, I need more me time to balance things out.  And people, get some sleep, things become so much more clear after a good night’s rest.

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Too Little, Too Late?

Current mood:lonely

I have so much to learn, but I am learning so much.  I am grateful for my friends for helping me realize so many things that, in my mind, I kept touching on, but did not yet fully understand.

Not giving people their space, their time, can push them away from you.  Some people are different than others, and the amount of space they need can differ.  Also after certain situations, more space can be needed than before.  To sum it up in a few words that mean so little unless you really understand it in the first place, you could say “don’t push it”.

I think I have always came on a little strong, and I am sure that even though I may not have noticed it for what it was, it has caused me many relationship problems in the past, even with friends.  Those that have known me for a long time, I think have known this and accepted it as just an unusual personality type.

There are many other things that I have learned, that I will not mention here, at least yet.  There are so many things that are easy to put into words, but into practice, it may be a challenge.  I am up for the challenge.  For those that I have pushed away, I apologize.  Balance is hard to put into practice.

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Jonathan’s Lingering Inner Strength

Current mood:pleased

Ok, I did not mean to leave things on a sort of bad note.  Later that night on Monday, I was good, not great, but good.  Sleep helped, talking helped, and so did writing and eating.  Tuesday was a wonderful day, and today is going great too.

As for the situation, things are going as I believe they should.  She does not speak too much about how she feels, and well I have been thinking about that.  How could she really say anything about that, she does not really know me yet….

Feelings make you do some stupid things, especially when you have not had to deal with them for a while.  Something I noticed today is that I am impatient, I hate waiting for things.  My mind flys, computers have a hard time keeping up with what I am trying to do at work.  I am so use to having control over things, everything works by my rules, my time, and my time is not going at any slow pace.  Now take away most of that control as feelings kick in, introduce a new set of rules I am not familiar with, and then mix that all up with a change of pace, because getting to know someone takes time…  I am getting a handle on things though.  I am stepping back and looking at things, though it is very hard to do some times.

I have also realized something I have known, or would have known if I were to have really thought about it.  Stop over analyzing things.  Relationships are not meant to be poked and prodded at so much, there is a time and place for everything, addressing every little thing even before it happens just does not help.  Saying everything that is on your mind is not always the best thing either.  Ok, well what do I know….., so much, yet so little.

All I really know is that tomorrow is another day, great things come from bad situations, learning by mistake will stick with you better than any other way, some of the greatest things in life come from doing things you don’t want to do, things that are hard.  Life is good, all of it, what ever happens, the good, the bad, it is all such an adventure, blazing your path in life…

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Current mood:drained

Stress takes its tole.  It is amazing how much it will hurt you just seeing and feeling someone you care about be uncomfortable with/around you because of a stupid decision you made.  Some times I think I am too sensitive, and the first thing that comes to mind is the movie Bedazzled, where one wish was to be sensitive, and he turned into a raging pussy….  Though I did my best to undo the mistake I made, I fear the damage is done.  Not that I am going to give up or anything, thats not my way.  I will however continue as friends, which I knew I should have done anyway.  How can you really find out if the person is right for you, if you don’t get to know them.  Every mistake, every bad decision, in one way or another results in good, I believe that, even thought it is hard to sometimes.  I have learned another little piece of information that I will not forget.  Anyway, I am tired, and sort of down, so I think I am going to sleep on it.

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Jonathan’s Complete Lack of Understanding

Current mood:contemplative

I have had some relationships with some messed up people in the past, a chronic liar, and another that would just not talk about the other relationships she was having with other people at the same time, testing the waters as she put it.  Both cheated on me, with several guys, both lied about everything surrounding the situation.  After all that fun shit, I have trust issues that I need to work out one way or another.

Here is a weird twist to the whole situation, call it coincidence or what ever you want, because I am not sure myself.  Starting with the bad relationship before the last bad one.  She was the one “testing the waters” with guy after guy, sometimes more than one guy in the in the same week (boy do I know how to pick them).  Things would be going fine, there would be no hint of anything strange going on.  She would be doing the same old thing, going out and visiting friends, I would meet some of them from time to time, nothing seemed out of place.  I mean it is normal for people to have friends and hang out with them, right?  Ok, well here comes the weird part, after a few weeks of things seeming normal enough, I started getting this horrible feeling which I can not really put into words, well actually I think I did, right when it was happening I think I wrote it down in a notebook because I did not know what else to do.  The feeling was sort of like betrayal mixed with sadness and some other extremely intense bad feelings.  But after a few days of that, I started putting things together, and I knew exactly what was happening, she had just started sleeping around, just one week after she told me that she wanted to “take the relationship to a new level”, well I never in a million years would have guessed that she meant sleeping around with some other guys.  A new level of what?, a new level of shitty relationships?  Well thanks for that, live and learn.  Anyway, I told several people exactly what was happening, as in exactly what she was doing, then confronted her and told her what she was doing, and told her that it would have been nice to hear it from her, so that I could at least start moving on with my life.  She admitted and confirmed everything I had came up with.

The next one is having to do with my last bad relationship.  I will not go into too much detail on this one.  I can say that my emotional tie with her was much stronger than the almost relationship I had before.  This seems to make things worse when I experience that evil feeling that something is wrong.  We are a ways into the relationship, when she decides to go visit some of her friends.  She was gone for some time, and then all of a sudden I get that horrible feeling again, it was really bad, I did not sleep for 2 days, I tossed and turned, doing what I could to get the feeling out of my head.  I talked to several people about that one, and I knew that she cheated on me, and that everything she told me after that point while she was gone, was a lie.  After everything was said and done, she told me exactly what happened.  It turns out that she had hooked up with the first person she had ever slept with and had sex with him the exact same times I got that horrible feeling.

Ok, so say you believe what I have said, what would you make of it.  Is it coincidence?  Or is it some sort of connection I have with someone I have feelings for, where I feel what is going on in their head.  Maybe people who are said to “not have a conscience”, really do have a conscience, but they ignore it, but just because they ignore it, does not mean I can.  What ever the case, this bad feeling thing is real, and it seems to coincide with actual events, coincidence or not.

What ever the case, if it is some sort of a connection with a person I have feelings for, I in no way have enough experience with it to be able to tell exactly what is going on.  For example, maybe a different person would feel guilty for not giving someone a call when they said they would, and if I had strong feelings for that person, then I would feel that guilt, in a lesser but noticeable way similar to the incidents in the past.  Or maybe even a slight white lie, or just not saying the complete truth would make someone feel guilty if they were a really good person who does not normally do that.  I think I might understand then, maybe….

Ok, yeah, so I am a freak, with mental powers, or maybe just mental, what ever, I don’t control the world or the reality that binds us to it, so who am I to say.  Only God could really explain this crap, but in the meantime, I have to try and make sense of things, and writing about it, seems to help.

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Jonathan’s Chaotic Mind

Current mood:anxious

Life has such a delicate balance.  Figuring that balance out is a struggle.  Everyone is different.  I am too fast sometimes, I bring things on too soon because of my own fears.  Yes I fear, I can admit that, it is so clear to me just by my actions.  I brought it on, but I have to keep in mind that there is another person involved, and they have their own balances to keep in check, they have their own timetables to work out.  Just because I set things going so fast does not mean that the world will adjust to how fast my mind works.  So many friends, such a large family.  Don’t push it!

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Psycho Pussy?

Current mood:tired

I am thinking about moving, but I do not know where, or if that would even be the best thing, but then again, I think it would.  What my mind likes to do is try and branch out as many possibilities that could happen in the future, and the decisions that could lead to that possible future.  Like for example, say in an undetermined period of time, I were to develop a serious relationship with someone who lived a fair distance away from me, what would I do then?  Well knowing me as well as I do, I would do what ever it took to ensure the happiness of both people involved.  I started out wanting to move up to Everett, or that area at least, so that I can be around friends and family, I know so many people there, and that still is my reason, but then again, the grass is always greener on the other side (I have always hated that concept which is far too true to deny).  I also want to be around the right people, good people, perhaps better than I have been surrounding myself with over the last 2 years here.  I have found some good people over here, but they are sparse.

I am a strong person, with strong beliefs, and a passion for the things I love and the activities I love to do.  I have values that I will not compromise, and that is one of the things that I would like to think makes me a good person.  But am I wasting it all away just going day by day working, isn’t there something more for me?  I can answer that, yes there is, the real question is, where do I go, what do I do to get there.  And then, the biggest issue on my mind, who do I want to take with me, who do I want to do it with.  I would love to have someone along with me, perhaps my missing half would be a good description, someone that together we could help make sense of things.  Ok, enough of that, don’t want to sound like too much of a pussy, but I am sure anyone reading this gets my drift.

Needless to say, I have been thinking about a lot of things, more so the last 2 months than I have in a very very long time.  Things like that tend to happen when certain events happen in your life that waken dormant ideas, thoughts, and feelings, that you were sure you had locked away for good.  Great, now I sound like a psychopath.  A psycho pussy anyone?

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Venting Thoughts, A Good Woman

Current mood:contemplative

Ok, to be blunt like I am, I am looking for a good woman, fun, outgoing, and athletic (optional), but must be in good health.  I must say, someone like that is hard to find.  And when you do, things are not as they appear to be, and then everything falls apart.  I don’t really want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I will be by choice if I can not find someone that fits with me.  If I am with someone who I do not fit with, then it degrades their life as well as mine, and I can not do that to someone.  So the right one is a little hard to find.  I am sure you can related to “the right one is hard to find”, well at least if you are looking for the right one.  What sucks is that I am what no woman (or at least very few) thinks exists, most guys say they are like me, but are not.  Back in Cypress, I made the mistake of telling Jeremy about how I felt about Sunny, and how I would treat her.  Next thing I know, he is dating her, they are together, and my feelings, being unchanged, I continue to describe what I would do in every situation when it came to Sunny (nothing sexual or anything like that, it was pure love).  Anyways, in the end, I helped my best friend win over the heart of the girl I loved.  Not too smart now that I think about it, he ended up just throwing it all away over sexual related issues.  Starting at the end of that situation, though I am not sure I should really mention this to anyone, it took me over 10 years to come to the point where I was looking for another girlfriend.

I could never cheat on someone I am with, it is just not possible, it would be wrong, beyond anything I could express, but that is just me.  I not too long ago had a problem that presented itself with my last girlfriend.  I was too trusting (maybe), and too forgiving (true, but that does not sound good).  I ended up forgiving things I should not have, like a stolen car and money, cheating on me, and drugs.  I trusted the lies she told, and forgave the wrongs she had done to me.  To an extent, that is good (forgiveness and trust), but not in my situation, at least not to the extent I took them.  One month after all of the above mentioned situations came to play, I did end up saying, “I love you, I hope all of the best for you, but for my sake, I have to let you go”.  That was a good decision, I wanted to help her, but there are limits, or at least I came to the conclusion that in order for me to continue life in a positive way, I could not be with her any more.  I have learned from that experience, it will not happen again like it did then, but it has not broken me, I will still trust, love, and forgive, but with open eyes.  I did not put up walls after that, how could you actually get to know another person and develop a relationship when you have walls up, I prefer going in with my eyes open.  Besides, when you have those walls up, you will reject so many things that would turn out to be great parts of your life, I know this to be true.

Here I am, stuck in a small town, looking (maybe) for the right woman, or at least open to the possibility.  I am surrounded by mostly “normal guys” (assholes) and am stuck with being stereotyped as one of those “normal guys”, no matter what I say, because those assholes (many “normal guys”) say the same things just to get what they want out of what ever woman they are trying to get with.  There is not much else to say about that, other than it sucks, and I am hoping to somehow overcome this issue one way or another.

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