Posts Tagged Crazy

Bits of stuff, unworthy of their own blog

Here are a few things that did not quite make it to becoming a blog, but I wanted to toss this stuff up here all the same.  Some are conversations, others are just things I jotted down.  None of it seemed special enough to put up into its own blog.

Sometime after July 29th, when I went to the Daft Punk concert:
Yes, the concert was a blessing, that’s right, being able to go to the Daft Punk concert was blessing from God, He knows how to take care of me.  The only thing that comes to mind is that God is the DJ, mixing together all of the sound samples and notes of my life, and I got to say, I love the music!  He is taking everyone and using them in his mix.

Wed Aug 08 08:36:42 2007, just chatting with someone:
[13:08] Jonathan: I don’t get it, why am I attracted to crazy?
[13:09] Jonathan: NM, I got it…
[13:11] Jonathan: I love extremes, blistering heat, dripping humidity, blasting wind, ground-shaking thunder, blinding lightning.  Maybe I now am at the point where I realize, that stuff is cool, but that is not what I need to look for in a woman….
[13:29] Matt: it is the challenge
[13:30] Matt: or possibly, you like to fix things
[13:30] Jonathan: that could be too
[13:31] Jonathan: I like to help people, it has been my resolve since childhood, and maybe I see they need help, and I want to help, I always do
[13:32] Matt: yeah, i did the same thing with girlfriends…. get the crazies and try to help them then realize it was too much
[13:32] Matt: the problem with women is that if you attempt to fix them they wont stay fixed
[13:32] Matt: probably the same with men, but i never dated any
[13:33] Jonathan: yeah, they have to do it themselves, to what ever extent is possible
[13:33] Matt: word
[13:39] Jonathan: God’s teaching me tons of stuff, its cool
[13:40] Matt: how do you know?
[13:41] Jonathan: action and reaction, to the point of no chance of coincidence

This was just me “thinking out loud” in an email today:

My perspective is a little down cast the last day or so, but I know it is just temporary, and it will clear up.

I think God has some more teaching to do, and I have some more lessons to learn.  One of the things I am dealing with is the feeling you get when you are ripped off by a mechanic.  I hardly ever get to the point where I am filled with contempt for someone, but I think that situation really hit a sore spot, that spot where you finally get to the point where you get enough trust together, hold it out only to have it smacked out of your hands and fall to the ground shattering into a million pieces.  Maybe I am over sensitive, maybe I should have known better, or maybe I didn’t handle it right.  At what point do I take the situation into my own hands and get the mechanic to do what I paid them to do.  For all I know, they may not have had any deception in mind, maybe they really thought what they told me was the real cause of the problem.  Maybe I am just seeing it wrong.  But one thing I know, I am not built to hate, I am not meant to hold contempt for someone, and I think that is what is bothering me so much, this foreign feeling that should not be there, it is being rejected.  I think that is it, with God so strong in my life, those feelings are like poison, and my entire being is rejecting it.

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Obi-Wan, You Are My Only Hope!

Current mood:annoyed

I am back in Everett, I have been here since the beginning of this year.  I have met up with old friends, many of them.  Things change, I change, a little bit here and there, over the years it adds up, maybe I am a different person.  I still love and care for people, I still love to have fun, I love to do new things, meet new people.  My values have been strengthened, my direction chosen, I now know what I want, and I know what I do not want.  And ok, maybe I grew up a little tiny bit, but not too much.  I suppose there is one very big thing that has changed, I now have a strong faith in God.  I know that may sound strange to some, it sounds great to others, and there are some that would be scared, or even angry.  Before you take that and think that I no longer do this, or I no longer eat that, try asking me first, because it might surprise you.  Let’s just say I don’t value all of these rules that man made up.  I guess what I am getting at is that in this world that some say is overpopulated, in this city of nearly 100,000, I feel a bit alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not crying myself a river, I am just a little annoyed.  Where is everyone?

Well, I have grown tired of humoring my ex-girlfriend’s alternate personality, even though it is a bit amusing.  I am going to get some reading done, I am half way through the bible, and have all but the first chapter of “Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire” to read.

Lord, you are my only hope,
everything else washes away as the sand with the waves.
The things of this world come and go like the pulsing tide.
Lord, let me be content with what you have given me,
nothing matters more than you.

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Current mood:tired

I pride myself on being good natured, a loving person who helps others, never putting them down, trying to tip the balance towards good in what ever way I can.  Yet I am tormented, somehow I continually find myself tripping over these people that seem to want to twist and pervert my intentions, my actions are some how contorted into insults in their eyes.  My good intentions are looked at as if they were backed by malice or some dark force that I keep hidden from prying eyes.

I meet good people every day, so many, yet somehow interaction with them seems minimal.  Is this self inflicted, do I actually search out these conflicting personalities to torture myself for some deep seeded self loathing.  I pray that this is not the case.  I keep checking with people around me to make sure that I am not mad, not the crazy person looking in on normal reality and calling it madness.

Perhaps I just need to put more effort in filling my life with those good people that can see me as who I hope I am.  In the meantime, perhaps now I can sleep.  If nothing else, this adversity will help bring out some sort of artistic side of me, and will keep the challenge in my life.

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The Same Old Something New, Revenge of The Oxymoron

Current mood:tired

I live a strange life.  Every day I get up and go to work, and do the daily grind.  At work I do new things, break new ground, develop something new, and learn something new (thats the daily grind, right?).  Recently, at work and outside of work, so many new things are going on, it is almost overwhelming.  I love new experiences, new things to do, and new things to learn, but I have this internal battle going on.  Part of me knows I need to slow down a bit, that I am setting my goals too high for my own health.  If I don’t slow down, maybe I will start to trip over my own feet, overlook important things, or drive myself too hard and “fall”.  The other part of me is pushing hard, to move forward, to make something happen, to become someone, to some end that I do not exactly know what is.

Most of the changes, and new things happening in my life are by my own choice, I guess I just need to keep in mind that there is a balance I need to keep.  I will not embrace the feeling to slow down, but I will keep in mind that I have that feeling for a reason, to keep me ever aware of the balance that is needed in life.  While I push forward, I need to make sure I don’t move so fast that I overlook people, ideas, or opportunities.

I think life should always be changing, if we sit in one situation too long, the inevitable change that is one of life’s guarantees, is going to come along and rip you a new asshole (you will know what I mean when it happens).

I have not written a blog in a long time.  I think partly because I am running into that point where I have found that I am trying to move things in my life too fast, and I am working it out.  While I am taking that step back to figure things out, I am not doing anything dramatic or spectacular that is worthy of a blog.  Even this is just a steaming pile of worthless blather, another point on the “Jon’s going crazy” scoreboard.  It almost seems like a waste of a good title!  Thats ok, it is early, and I am still waking up, so its all good.

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Jonathan’s Complete Lack of Understanding

Current mood:contemplative

I have had some relationships with some messed up people in the past, a chronic liar, and another that would just not talk about the other relationships she was having with other people at the same time, testing the waters as she put it.  Both cheated on me, with several guys, both lied about everything surrounding the situation.  After all that fun shit, I have trust issues that I need to work out one way or another.

Here is a weird twist to the whole situation, call it coincidence or what ever you want, because I am not sure myself.  Starting with the bad relationship before the last bad one.  She was the one “testing the waters” with guy after guy, sometimes more than one guy in the in the same week (boy do I know how to pick them).  Things would be going fine, there would be no hint of anything strange going on.  She would be doing the same old thing, going out and visiting friends, I would meet some of them from time to time, nothing seemed out of place.  I mean it is normal for people to have friends and hang out with them, right?  Ok, well here comes the weird part, after a few weeks of things seeming normal enough, I started getting this horrible feeling which I can not really put into words, well actually I think I did, right when it was happening I think I wrote it down in a notebook because I did not know what else to do.  The feeling was sort of like betrayal mixed with sadness and some other extremely intense bad feelings.  But after a few days of that, I started putting things together, and I knew exactly what was happening, she had just started sleeping around, just one week after she told me that she wanted to “take the relationship to a new level”, well I never in a million years would have guessed that she meant sleeping around with some other guys.  A new level of what?, a new level of shitty relationships?  Well thanks for that, live and learn.  Anyway, I told several people exactly what was happening, as in exactly what she was doing, then confronted her and told her what she was doing, and told her that it would have been nice to hear it from her, so that I could at least start moving on with my life.  She admitted and confirmed everything I had came up with.

The next one is having to do with my last bad relationship.  I will not go into too much detail on this one.  I can say that my emotional tie with her was much stronger than the almost relationship I had before.  This seems to make things worse when I experience that evil feeling that something is wrong.  We are a ways into the relationship, when she decides to go visit some of her friends.  She was gone for some time, and then all of a sudden I get that horrible feeling again, it was really bad, I did not sleep for 2 days, I tossed and turned, doing what I could to get the feeling out of my head.  I talked to several people about that one, and I knew that she cheated on me, and that everything she told me after that point while she was gone, was a lie.  After everything was said and done, she told me exactly what happened.  It turns out that she had hooked up with the first person she had ever slept with and had sex with him the exact same times I got that horrible feeling.

Ok, so say you believe what I have said, what would you make of it.  Is it coincidence?  Or is it some sort of connection I have with someone I have feelings for, where I feel what is going on in their head.  Maybe people who are said to “not have a conscience”, really do have a conscience, but they ignore it, but just because they ignore it, does not mean I can.  What ever the case, this bad feeling thing is real, and it seems to coincide with actual events, coincidence or not.

What ever the case, if it is some sort of a connection with a person I have feelings for, I in no way have enough experience with it to be able to tell exactly what is going on.  For example, maybe a different person would feel guilty for not giving someone a call when they said they would, and if I had strong feelings for that person, then I would feel that guilt, in a lesser but noticeable way similar to the incidents in the past.  Or maybe even a slight white lie, or just not saying the complete truth would make someone feel guilty if they were a really good person who does not normally do that.  I think I might understand then, maybe….

Ok, yeah, so I am a freak, with mental powers, or maybe just mental, what ever, I don’t control the world or the reality that binds us to it, so who am I to say.  Only God could really explain this crap, but in the meantime, I have to try and make sense of things, and writing about it, seems to help.

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Psycho Pussy?

Current mood:tired

I am thinking about moving, but I do not know where, or if that would even be the best thing, but then again, I think it would.  What my mind likes to do is try and branch out as many possibilities that could happen in the future, and the decisions that could lead to that possible future.  Like for example, say in an undetermined period of time, I were to develop a serious relationship with someone who lived a fair distance away from me, what would I do then?  Well knowing me as well as I do, I would do what ever it took to ensure the happiness of both people involved.  I started out wanting to move up to Everett, or that area at least, so that I can be around friends and family, I know so many people there, and that still is my reason, but then again, the grass is always greener on the other side (I have always hated that concept which is far too true to deny).  I also want to be around the right people, good people, perhaps better than I have been surrounding myself with over the last 2 years here.  I have found some good people over here, but they are sparse.

I am a strong person, with strong beliefs, and a passion for the things I love and the activities I love to do.  I have values that I will not compromise, and that is one of the things that I would like to think makes me a good person.  But am I wasting it all away just going day by day working, isn’t there something more for me?  I can answer that, yes there is, the real question is, where do I go, what do I do to get there.  And then, the biggest issue on my mind, who do I want to take with me, who do I want to do it with.  I would love to have someone along with me, perhaps my missing half would be a good description, someone that together we could help make sense of things.  Ok, enough of that, don’t want to sound like too much of a pussy, but I am sure anyone reading this gets my drift.

Needless to say, I have been thinking about a lot of things, more so the last 2 months than I have in a very very long time.  Things like that tend to happen when certain events happen in your life that waken dormant ideas, thoughts, and feelings, that you were sure you had locked away for good.  Great, now I sound like a psychopath.  A psycho pussy anyone?

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