Current mood:sad

“daddy I lost you, I need you so, just for you now, just keep in touch”  Words from a song I heard, by a person who could not even put his own voice to the words, he synthesized them.

Over the many years of our lives, we are hurt, but sometimes we don’t have enough background to even know what hurts and what doesn’t.  Some of the deepest hurts may just make your head caulk to the side at the time, because you know something is wrong, but you can’t really put together what it is all about.  then 10 or so years later, you are listening to a song, and it says something, something that touches you, and your body tenses up, and you resist the feeling, but you know that something is there.  Those words just touched on a sore spot, a wound from the past that can not heal without the realization that it is there.  Once you know something is going on, you can do something about it.  Touching where we are wounded causes us pain, and we burst into tears, shaking, uncontrolled, or we fight it, and resist feeling anything and become cold and hard like a rock, unhealing.  I had to ask God for help to figure out what was going on, to let me feel, if something is there, I want to heal, I want to realize the truth about what hurt me so I can act, so I can change it, and heal.  I want to be a whole person, not like a house that is full of many rooms, with their doors blocked off and boarded up, afraid to face what happened behind them.  If you live like that, each blocked off room also blocks off some of who you are, some of your feeling, some of your function, more of what makes you alive.  Room by room, I want to heal, so I can be a full whole person, who is fully alive.

I miss my Dad, I miss him really bad.  It is as if I had lost him, or maybe never had him in the first place.  I see him from time to time, but it is like there is a wall there, I know there is one on my part, but perhaps he has one put up himself.  We are not actually connecting… Well sometimes, perhaps on a deeper level then many people connect with their fathers.  But I still feel that we are both wounded and afraid of the deeper relationship that we both long for with each other.  He is afraid, so am I.  I can not say what he is afraid of, but I can say what I am afraid of.  I am afraid that on a deeper level, he does not really love me, unless there is something in it to benefit him.  I am afraid of a conditional love.  No one said one’s fears have to be based in truth, I can say that they often are not.  I might go as far as saying that anywhere there is a fear involved, you will find a lie that you believe as a truth.