Archive for August, 2006

I woke up this morning, and my penis was missing….

Current mood:amused

Do you ever wake up in the morning, and feel like something is missing?  No, not like in the “Detachable Penis” song, I know some of you were thinking that.  You had something great going the day before, a drive, a sense of well being, a strength that pushed you to do all of the things that you have planned to do.  Did I loose something, did the energy, the driving force leave me in my sleep?  Should I write it down before I go to bed, the things in my mind that push me, my reasons to push ahead?  Is it really sort of like the movie “50 first dates”, do I really need to remind myself of who I am every morning?  I know that in time, later in the day, it comes back, I guess it is sort of just the waking up process.  Maybe I should give myself more than just an hour after opening up my eyes.  I need to finish booting up…

Maybe it is something I should write down, just in case, I wake up one morning, and don’t remember why I am here, what I am here to do.  Maybe a jump start, it could speed the waking process up, get me started exactly where I was when I left off.  I hate wasted time, when time is the one thing we all can count on running out of sooner or later.  Which is not a concept that scares me, I embrace it, and I am given strength by it.

Find your center, your strength, smile, and go.  You have things to do too.

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Nowhere To Turn….

You know what sucks?  When you need someone to talk to and no one is around.  When you want to go out and do something, and no can go with you.  When you make friends, and they move away.  When you move away and loose touch with friends.  When you think someone is right for you, and they turn out not to be, and yet you have these lingering feelings you still have to make sense of.  When you are making good changes in your life, but it never seems to happen fast enough for you.  When you loose your way, and have to climb out of the hole you put yourself into.  Or how about having all of these things going on at the same time, how about that?

Friends are too important to let fade away.  Patience yet perseverance, in time, everything will come together.

Yeah, quite a negative post, but if you read the last sentence, you will see it is serving its purpose, which is to make me feel better.  I would like to say it was an exaggeration, but at that point in time, I was feeling a bit down after some thoughts passed through my mind, linked to some things I was reading, some things that just happened, and the fact that I am a bit tired.  So no, I did not just kill myself… in fact, shortly after writing this, I was reading it over and laughing.  Writing can really clear the mind and help correct perspective.

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Random Stuff, Too Tired To Be Coherent

Current mood:tired

Well, I made it back to Walla Walla in one piece.  My Jeep ran perfect, not a single problem.  I managed to get some offroading in on the way up to Seattle, I stopped by the Beverly dunes and went jumping around the bushes and sand, seeing what it could do.  I only put like 15-20 minutes in at Beverly because it was getting late.  I got up this morning at 3am, and after getting gas, I was on the road by 3:30am.  The roads were clear for the most part, but there were clumps of slow people along the way, so I made it to work by 7:40am.  I am a bit tired.

Sorry, no rants today, just a normal blog.  I am half asleep, so what can you expect really?  I will rant some other time.  I have put up enough of my feelings, points of view, and other stuff to last a while, ok, maybe not for long.

The wedding was perfect, everything was great.  I managed to visit with almost all of my friends in the area this trip.  I gained a sister-in-law, someone I have already considered to be like a sister to me.  Yesterday, I was able to wish the new married couple a safe and fun cruise up to Alaska.

Oh, yeah, through a fair amount of effort on my mother’s part, I met someone (ever so briefly) at church and lunch after the service.  From the description, she sounded like a nice person, but I had no idea what to expect.  I was impressed, she seemed really nice and as strange as it may seem to at least me, there were many things that we had in common.  I can’t say much more than that, because we did not have much of a chance to talk, but I think I might have another person that would be fun to hang out with when I come up there.  I have been looking for like minded people that would like to go out and do things that are not bar or drinking oriented for a couple months now, and though I have had little luck over here in Walla Walla, I am very pleased to know that there are actually others that are looking for the same thing.  Ahh, there is hope.

I will be moving up to the Seattle area sometime, I have been planning it for many years now.  Perhaps the time is drawing near.  Today I spoke with the Japanese professor at Whitman, and he was fairly insistent that the cost of taking the Japanese class would be more than nominal.  That got me thinking about alternatives.  I have yet to check with the WWCC to see if they teach the Japanese language, so that might be a possibility, but that may be another selling point for me to move up to the Seattle area.  I have so many of my friends up there that I have all but severed ties with by moving down here to Walla Walla.  Every time I go up and visit, I realize that I miss them, and maybe moving down here for so long has hurt me socially.  I do have a much stronger sense of who I am, and what it is like to be on my own, and so many other things, but socially, things have been hard.  I love the few friends that have stayed in Walla Walla, but I feel like a fish out of water here, and I realize it every time I head up to visit.  This is not a “the grass is always greener” type of situation, I am weighing the good and the bad of all aspects of moving up there.  I do have some things I have to finish up down here, and some things to arrange with work, but I will have that taken care of in however much time I feel is appropriate.  From time to time this feeling of being “lost without a way to go” creeps up on me, but I have a direction now (more than just moving), even though I do not know where exactly it leads, I do know who it is that leads me, and that is enough.

I almost felt a rant coming on, but the feeling was lost.  Perhaps later.

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Interesting Quote

Current mood:refreshed

Here is a quote I just read from my mother’s office:

“Truth is shunned when it is painful or calls for choices we don’t want to face.  But we must dare to be totally committed to truth.  Mental soundness is the continuous process of facing reality as it is, rather than how we wish it to be.  To have the courage to live life on life’s terms, illusions must be given up.  And who does that without a fight?”

It seems strange that just now at this point in my life, I would find something like that just sitting on the wall.  I am sure it applies to so many other people, but it very directly has application to my current situation.  There are things that I don’t want to hear but are true.  In my mind, I am touching on important ideas but I think my mind recoils because I don’t want things to be that way, so I ignore the truth.  I don’t want to ignore the truth anymore!  I want to hear all the things that I don’t want to know, if that makes any sense.  How can I grow when I can not see the truth?

The saying “the truth hurts” sucks, I hate it, there is so much meaning behind it and to just put it in 3 words makes it into a personal attack.  This is why when talking to friends or people in general, I explain, I make sure they understand what I am saying, the real meaning, and can relate to it in some way, and then I present the horrible few word saying that people use.

I wish people would be more honest, or maybe that’s not the word, be more open.  I have a hard time with people hiding the truth from you, it never does anyone any good.  Do not spare my feelings, mash they into a pulp, if it is the truth, that is the most important thing.  I can handle it.  The truth can hurt both ways, the person telling another person the truth, and the receiver.  But please, know that it is the best thing, be brave, tell them, although you may want to spare their feelings, do not spare them the truth, because in the end, you are keeping them from growing, from making those personal decisions that will make them a better person.  With all severe mental problems aside, telling people the truth is the best thing.

Ok, even though I just laid that out there, I can not say that is best for everyone at all times, in the end though, telling them the truth is the best thing.  And women out there, don’t count on hints, we are guys, we have thick heads, and so many of those hints go unnoticed.  We are different creatures, know and love us for this, but also keep it in mind when it comes to communication, direct is the best.  I am not encouraging guys to leave things unnoticed, or to not pay close attention, because we need to, but you can not ignore the fact that we can not catch on to everything.

I guess what I am saying is, don’t let your fears or feelings keep you from doing what is right, or from telling the truth to those close around you.  Don’t be afraid to hurt them, it is a part of learning from your mistakes.  The pain will pass with time while they make sense of what happened.  They may have questions, and even then, don’t hold back, they just want to know what they did so that they do not do it again in the future, or can make personal choices to better themselves.  Oh, and once again, this is assuming that you are dealing with someone who does not have severe mental problems.

I am done rambling and ranting for now.  I am going to go do some things for me, I need more me time to balance things out.  And people, get some sleep, things become so much more clear after a good night’s rest.

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Too Little, Too Late?

Current mood:lonely

I have so much to learn, but I am learning so much.  I am grateful for my friends for helping me realize so many things that, in my mind, I kept touching on, but did not yet fully understand.

Not giving people their space, their time, can push them away from you.  Some people are different than others, and the amount of space they need can differ.  Also after certain situations, more space can be needed than before.  To sum it up in a few words that mean so little unless you really understand it in the first place, you could say “don’t push it”.

I think I have always came on a little strong, and I am sure that even though I may not have noticed it for what it was, it has caused me many relationship problems in the past, even with friends.  Those that have known me for a long time, I think have known this and accepted it as just an unusual personality type.

There are many other things that I have learned, that I will not mention here, at least yet.  There are so many things that are easy to put into words, but into practice, it may be a challenge.  I am up for the challenge.  For those that I have pushed away, I apologize.  Balance is hard to put into practice.

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Jonathan’s Lingering Inner Strength

Current mood:pleased

Ok, I did not mean to leave things on a sort of bad note.  Later that night on Monday, I was good, not great, but good.  Sleep helped, talking helped, and so did writing and eating.  Tuesday was a wonderful day, and today is going great too.

As for the situation, things are going as I believe they should.  She does not speak too much about how she feels, and well I have been thinking about that.  How could she really say anything about that, she does not really know me yet….

Feelings make you do some stupid things, especially when you have not had to deal with them for a while.  Something I noticed today is that I am impatient, I hate waiting for things.  My mind flys, computers have a hard time keeping up with what I am trying to do at work.  I am so use to having control over things, everything works by my rules, my time, and my time is not going at any slow pace.  Now take away most of that control as feelings kick in, introduce a new set of rules I am not familiar with, and then mix that all up with a change of pace, because getting to know someone takes time…  I am getting a handle on things though.  I am stepping back and looking at things, though it is very hard to do some times.

I have also realized something I have known, or would have known if I were to have really thought about it.  Stop over analyzing things.  Relationships are not meant to be poked and prodded at so much, there is a time and place for everything, addressing every little thing even before it happens just does not help.  Saying everything that is on your mind is not always the best thing either.  Ok, well what do I know….., so much, yet so little.

All I really know is that tomorrow is another day, great things come from bad situations, learning by mistake will stick with you better than any other way, some of the greatest things in life come from doing things you don’t want to do, things that are hard.  Life is good, all of it, what ever happens, the good, the bad, it is all such an adventure, blazing your path in life…

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Current mood:drained

Stress takes its tole.  It is amazing how much it will hurt you just seeing and feeling someone you care about be uncomfortable with/around you because of a stupid decision you made.  Some times I think I am too sensitive, and the first thing that comes to mind is the movie Bedazzled, where one wish was to be sensitive, and he turned into a raging pussy….  Though I did my best to undo the mistake I made, I fear the damage is done.  Not that I am going to give up or anything, thats not my way.  I will however continue as friends, which I knew I should have done anyway.  How can you really find out if the person is right for you, if you don’t get to know them.  Every mistake, every bad decision, in one way or another results in good, I believe that, even thought it is hard to sometimes.  I have learned another little piece of information that I will not forget.  Anyway, I am tired, and sort of down, so I think I am going to sleep on it.

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Jonathan’s Complete Lack of Understanding

Current mood:contemplative

I have had some relationships with some messed up people in the past, a chronic liar, and another that would just not talk about the other relationships she was having with other people at the same time, testing the waters as she put it.  Both cheated on me, with several guys, both lied about everything surrounding the situation.  After all that fun shit, I have trust issues that I need to work out one way or another.

Here is a weird twist to the whole situation, call it coincidence or what ever you want, because I am not sure myself.  Starting with the bad relationship before the last bad one.  She was the one “testing the waters” with guy after guy, sometimes more than one guy in the in the same week (boy do I know how to pick them).  Things would be going fine, there would be no hint of anything strange going on.  She would be doing the same old thing, going out and visiting friends, I would meet some of them from time to time, nothing seemed out of place.  I mean it is normal for people to have friends and hang out with them, right?  Ok, well here comes the weird part, after a few weeks of things seeming normal enough, I started getting this horrible feeling which I can not really put into words, well actually I think I did, right when it was happening I think I wrote it down in a notebook because I did not know what else to do.  The feeling was sort of like betrayal mixed with sadness and some other extremely intense bad feelings.  But after a few days of that, I started putting things together, and I knew exactly what was happening, she had just started sleeping around, just one week after she told me that she wanted to “take the relationship to a new level”, well I never in a million years would have guessed that she meant sleeping around with some other guys.  A new level of what?, a new level of shitty relationships?  Well thanks for that, live and learn.  Anyway, I told several people exactly what was happening, as in exactly what she was doing, then confronted her and told her what she was doing, and told her that it would have been nice to hear it from her, so that I could at least start moving on with my life.  She admitted and confirmed everything I had came up with.

The next one is having to do with my last bad relationship.  I will not go into too much detail on this one.  I can say that my emotional tie with her was much stronger than the almost relationship I had before.  This seems to make things worse when I experience that evil feeling that something is wrong.  We are a ways into the relationship, when she decides to go visit some of her friends.  She was gone for some time, and then all of a sudden I get that horrible feeling again, it was really bad, I did not sleep for 2 days, I tossed and turned, doing what I could to get the feeling out of my head.  I talked to several people about that one, and I knew that she cheated on me, and that everything she told me after that point while she was gone, was a lie.  After everything was said and done, she told me exactly what happened.  It turns out that she had hooked up with the first person she had ever slept with and had sex with him the exact same times I got that horrible feeling.

Ok, so say you believe what I have said, what would you make of it.  Is it coincidence?  Or is it some sort of connection I have with someone I have feelings for, where I feel what is going on in their head.  Maybe people who are said to “not have a conscience”, really do have a conscience, but they ignore it, but just because they ignore it, does not mean I can.  What ever the case, this bad feeling thing is real, and it seems to coincide with actual events, coincidence or not.

What ever the case, if it is some sort of a connection with a person I have feelings for, I in no way have enough experience with it to be able to tell exactly what is going on.  For example, maybe a different person would feel guilty for not giving someone a call when they said they would, and if I had strong feelings for that person, then I would feel that guilt, in a lesser but noticeable way similar to the incidents in the past.  Or maybe even a slight white lie, or just not saying the complete truth would make someone feel guilty if they were a really good person who does not normally do that.  I think I might understand then, maybe….

Ok, yeah, so I am a freak, with mental powers, or maybe just mental, what ever, I don’t control the world or the reality that binds us to it, so who am I to say.  Only God could really explain this crap, but in the meantime, I have to try and make sense of things, and writing about it, seems to help.

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Jonathan’s Chaotic Mind

Current mood:anxious

Life has such a delicate balance.  Figuring that balance out is a struggle.  Everyone is different.  I am too fast sometimes, I bring things on too soon because of my own fears.  Yes I fear, I can admit that, it is so clear to me just by my actions.  I brought it on, but I have to keep in mind that there is another person involved, and they have their own balances to keep in check, they have their own timetables to work out.  Just because I set things going so fast does not mean that the world will adjust to how fast my mind works.  So many friends, such a large family.  Don’t push it!

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