Current mood:busy

Ok, it has been forever since I have last blogged, but I need to write something.  Life has been continuing day after day.  I am still heading my small group at the church, and attending another.  I knew I needed the weekends so I moved my small group meeting to Tuesdays.  I have realized that without structure or any sort of plan for the small group, I loose my confidence.  I need to have a general direction and spend some time working in that direction myself before I feel comfortable asking people to come to the group, that should be a given, but somehow after the material Larry provided ran out, I have become lost.  I have fleeting moments of inspiration, but only fleeting.  I am recognizing that I do not put time with God high enough on my priority list.  Part of me knows that spending time with God is a major blessing, He will help me find my center, my inspiration, my direction, and guide me through anything I go through, but there is another part of me that seems to be pulling in the other direction, the resistance, that same feeling one might get when approached with vacuuming or doing the dishes.  I will call that resistance the flesh, the worldly part of me that tries to hold me back from doing what is best, from doing things the way they were designed to be done.  I am slowly having my mind and heart changed, as I realize that I really want to spend that time with God.  But it is so different than the way the rest of the world works, everything else seems to have very clear and direct results, so I find myself doing all of these other things before I finally get around to spending time with God.  Day by day I feel the void growing as I let that time slip away.  The verse “Abide in me and I will abide in you” keeps echoing through my head, and I know it is true, why is there any resistance?  Maybe my motivation is wrong.  My mind is cloudy, I can’t seem to figure this out.  Maybe spending time with him will give me what I need to figure this out…. Sounds like a good idea to me, He has always helped me in the past.

Part of my problem these days is that I do not give myself enough down time, or alone time.  Back in the day, I had not even recognized the need for down time or alone time, because other than work, that is all I had, sitting around watching TV, or reading once every few years.  I had nothing going on.  It is taking me a long time to recognize and admit that these are valid needs, now I need to find a way to bring a little bit of it back.  This is a scary proposition though, something has to be cut back, and then your mind equates that to devaluing that thing, or person, or situation.  For example, maybe less time with Kathy, or cut a group meeting out, or maybe some of my responsibilities at the church…  I suppose I just need to evaluate where I am spending the most time.